Green Man & French Horn

This won't be much of a review but more of a warning NOT to eat here, EVER. Unless you like watching squiggly worms dancing in your food… My boyfriend is making himself hurl in the bathroom because parasites, the ones that are found in certain fish, (typically Turbot…) also known as the “fish tapeworm”, were tonight's unexpected dinner guest. Fact: “The fish tapeworm is the longest worm which infects humans at over 25ft in length and can live many years in the intestines causing anemia, B-12 deficiency and fatigue.” Causes also include, here's the cherry on top: appendicitis, CROHN'S and others… Picture this (or just Youtube it): you're forking through your mediocre plate of fish and you notice something that looks like a vein, you disregard it until it starts moving a little…a little faster and faster…and BAM! It's standing straight UP squiggling like it's on Dancing with the Stars. At first I thought I had had too much to drink but when the waiter looked as shocked as I did…that sh*** was f* up. Needless to say, I lost my apetite. The waitress responsible for our table asked if I wanted to re-order the same dish. She was even smiling incredulously as she asked in a sarcastic tone. I just asked for more wine. Soon after, the maitre d' came over to, um “apologise” or rather, make up an excuse. I'm guessing the chef wasn't happy but the reason for the worm was some mumble or other about where the fish comes from and how this is actually perfectly “normal”. And I guess it did say “wild” turbot on the menu, just wish it had said tapeworm was a garnish… I had my glass of wine thinking it was on the house…soon after we asked for the bill and when the maitre d' brought it over she said, “We were hoping you would order some dessert or cheese so we could offer it to you for free but you didn't so…” SO?! I'm to blame for feeling nauseous? I would much rather miss out on an apple tart or salted caramel crepes than vomit in front of everyone. I mean, for the sake of the restaurant, you know. All in all, the food was bland, the wait service was not great (I asked for salt and it was like I had asked for the chef to give up his career) and the cost of everything, was WAY overpriced. Yes, the tapeworm came free but a high profile restaurant with raving reviews should know better to keep up the reputation than to make an offer to its customers only to tell them they didn't ask so they get screwed over instead. And here I am thinking customer is king… Want some parasites with your fish? The greenman gives them fresh and free! The horn is what you'll blow after… P.S.: I'll be back with the bill for my antibiotics.

There's a lot not to understand about the Green Man & French Horn. Firstly, what is it? The 90s gave us “gastro-pub”, a traditional pub which aims to serve restaurant quality food. So what do you call a restaurant, charging restaurant prices and with focus on food, but which wants to feel like a casual boozer with its pubby name, pubby facade, pubby decor and pubby bar? I'm not sure I get it. Casual dining, yes, but charging me a fortune to sit in something which looks and feels like my local, no. Secondly, the menu. The minority that understands it no doubt get a great ego massage; the rest of us feel like unnerved fools. Despite there being 6 well educated people round the table, including 2 who had spent a year each at business school in Paris, we still had to look up the meaning of 75% of it. I don't like gadgets being pulled out at dinner (no I don't want to see pictures of your kids/cat/last meal) but Google was a necessity here. So if you are coming, word of advice, make sure you have signal, and look up the following in advance: andouillette, rillettes, remoulade, nantais(e), vigneronne. Or risk tying the waitress up for hours. Thirdly, service: why tell everyone that they must give orders in order so you can get the mise-en-place (her words, not mine) and then look bewildered when you deliver the dishes, and ask whose is what anyway? Finally, and most importantly, why isn't the food better? I chose well and had lovely earthy wild mushrooms with gooey egg, and well—matched squid with oaty, lightly spiced black pudding but the white chocolate mousse tasted very little of chocolate and the others were unimpressed with dull dishes lacking love. We did like the bread being served in a Quo Vadis branded basket. It wasn't a total rip-off at under £50 a head for a three course meal with wine but I won't remember this place or this meal and won't return. I hope it doesn't kick off a “tavernaurant” craze.

We ate here last night which was our second visit but this time as a group of 6. It was excellent! The food was really good albeit a bit quirky but definitely French. I had a beetroot salad with anchovies and egg (divine), followed by squid with blackpudding (divine), followed by Pear in salted caramel sauce (also divine!). It has an unusual wine and beer list so just be careful when ordering as not everything is as you would expect it. My husband ordered a lager which came as a ‘cloudy’ lager – it wasn’t really what he had wanted and so they offered to change it, immediately. They also did a very nice kir, which is rare! The service was also excellent although I think some of the other staff weren’t quite as nice as our man. All in all, a very good experience which we will definitely be repeating.

Now I have to admit to being slightly inebriated when I first visited The Green Man and French Horn. It was the glorious day that Bradford City triumphed over Arsenal in the Capital One Cup. Not a day seared into most people's memories, but enough to send me into paroxysms of clappy handed joy as I watched the giant killing unfold. In fairness, all I really needed was something to soak up a number of pints. The output from this cracking little newcomer and youngest sibling of Terroirs, Brawn and Soif, was almost certainly beyond my faculty. So good though that, while not capable of sobering me up, it did cause me to drag a non football obsessed guest back to confirm what I'd witnessed. We're in mixed small plate territory here. Lots of lovely little ideas, pulled together with a loose thread of the Loire Valley, intended as much as anything to show off an outrageously interesting cellar. A thick slab of pork rillette was pushed eagerly into the contents of a hearty, fresh bread basket and consumed within minutes, hearty and flavoursome. My main plate was, as it had been on the previous visit, one of the simplest dishes I've had in a long time, three beautifully buttery fat mackerel, served with butter, garlic and a spritz of lemon. The quality was superb and the simplest of touches was all they needed. Alongside, I opted for a grassy almost cidery fresh Cabernet Franc, refreshing and unexpected. A punch in the mouth of clean flavours that it through the thickness of the pork and the fish perfectly. Poached pear was almost unexpectedly rich after the simple fare so far and a little too sweet for me, reclining like an early Rita Hayworth in a limpid caramel pool. I couldn't stop eating till it was gone, but in hindsight I'd have snuck in another small plate. It was only after I'd been for the first time I realised the background to the restaurant and its owners, the terroir if you will. It was obviously going to be a winner. Until that point I got to experience the sheer joy that comes with making a real find, of discovering a new restaurant that will stay in your little black book for years. The fact it's a known quality doesn't change that fact.